Greatness Courts Failure

The Celts and the Norse fought, loved, procreated, and eventually mutated into what we now know as the modern day Scots. Now, that’s a massive oversimplification but that’s one of our trademarks here at GCF. How do you start an argument without a good generalization?

Anyway, it’s the Scots, and thereby the Celts we have to thank for our obsession, golf. Our Scottish forefather sheepherders spent their endless free time using their crooks to knock dried sheep dung around pastures and into gopher holes for entertainment. This, like beating the crap out of each other (proto-football), through years of evolution became our favorite modern sport, pastime, and life-destroying obsession.

So, where are we going with this ridiculously half-true history lesson? It’s our latest Nod to the Gods. This time we honor Sucellos, the Celtic god of agriculture, forests, and alcoholic drinks. Sucellos is often depicted with a long handled hammer (perhaps historians and mythologist mistook it for a hammer, we think it’s a 460cc driver) and a beer barrel. Our kind of god! In addition, cellos is a Latin derivative for “striker” and the prefix su means “well” or “good.” So Sucellos means good (ball) striker!

So, give a nod to Sucellos for a well struck iron shot and a well tended course, offer him a small prayer to move the trees back a tad when you shank it into next Tuesday, and give him a hale and hearty “Slainte Mhath!” as you raise your beer at the 19th hole.

Nobody likes an eight, whether it’s only a triple bogey or a tuck-your-tail-between-your-legs quintuple bogey. And after writing that 8 on your scorecard, your buddies don’t make it any easier by shouting ”Snowman!” every time you swing for the next three holes. So, let’s make that 8 a little more palatable next time, for you and your buddies. It’s time to drop the snowman moniker and start calling it a Jerry Reed. Now, instead of prickly and glum, you’re east-bound and down and headed to the next hole with a smile on your face and “hold onto your ass, Fred” comment as you gun the EZ-Go through the trees, daring the marshal to stop you.

Don’t get the reference? How old are you? Get a Netflix account and watch some all-time classics already.

Willie Nelson loves music and golf (yeah, we’re going out on a limb with this one). We’re not quite certain of the order, but those two are at the top. You’d think after at least four marriages you could count women as one of Willie’s loves. But then again, you could also consider the marriages an act of warfare. Or maybe revenge? Anyway, we’re pretty damn sure golf beats out women and Willie’s love of golf is what gets our admiration.

There are many tales out there of Willie Nelson and his golf obsession. Turk Pipkin, the Texas writer, actor, comedian, and clown (okay, I hate clowns too but he loves golf so don’t hold it against him too much) has a great Willie story on his site, Yesterday’s Nine – the Willie Way.

Also, a lot has been made about Willie’s golf course and his on-again off-again ownership. But who among us wouldn’t want to own their own damn course? And one of the benefits of owning your own course is setting your own rules. The Pedernales Cut-N-Putt, Willie’s course in Spicewood, Texas, features some of our favorite rules, and some to keep in mind for your own home course:

Pedernales Local Rules and Etiquette

1. When another player is shooting, no player should talk, whistle, hum, clink coins, or pass gas.
2. Don’t play until the group in front is out of the way.
3. Excessive displays of affection are discouraged. Violators must replace divots and will be penalized five strokes.
4. Replace divots, smooth footprints in bunkers, brush backtrail with branches, park car under brush, and have the office tell your spouse you’re in a conference.
5. Let faster groups play through.
6. On the putting green, don’t step on another’s line.
7. “Freebies” are not recommended for players with short putts.
8. No more than twelve in your foursome.
9. Gambling is forbidden, of course, unless you’re stuck or you need a legal deduction for charitable or educational expenses.
10. All carts are not allowed within 20 ft. of traps or aprons surrounding greens.
11. No bikinis, mini-skirts, skimpy see-through, or sexually exploitative attire allowed. Except on women.
12. Please leave course in the condition in which you would like for it to be found.

Or, as Willie described them in an interview:

It’s a lot easier if you own the golf course to make up your own rules. Like no more than 12 in a foursome. No breaking wind in the tee box. If you have a bad lie, you never have to tell a bad lie. I like that one. And par is whatever you want it to be — depending on what the bet is.
(Interview by J. Freedom du Lac | January 28, 2008 | Washington Post)

I’m sure you caught last year’s Open Championship (that’s the  British Open to you and me). Who can forget those tense, agony-of-boredom moments watching professional golfers stare at their ball, waiting for the wind to subside enough so they could putt without incurring a penalty stroke. I don’t know about you but I was on pins and needles. Yawn. Apparently, the pros could use a divinity lesson or two. The smart golfer knows to give a nod to Shu when the wind picks up and sends your ball thither and yon across the fairways and greens. Shu is the Egyptian god of air, one of the primordial gods, and is considered a calming influence. A brief prayer to Shu could have turned those gales into mere breezes and injected a little more actual golf into Saturday’s TV coverage.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Take it easy there a minute. They didn’t have a 16 times platinum album because they sucked (1994’s Cracked Rear View). And their so-called sophomore slump, Fairweather Johnson? Four-times platinum. The Hootie backlash was just typical American consumer, knee-jerk jealousy. We root for the underdog but just can’t wait to take down the mighty. Maybe they became too successful too fast and radio stations overplayed their hits but the tunes were catchy, well crafted sing-alongs with only good intentions. Good, honest, adult contemporary, light rock. Heck, we’re not ashamed to crank the Hootie and chill out with a cold Schlitz on the nearly completed deck here at GCF.

And, it’s good intentions that Hootie and the Blowfish continue to exhibit even today. They turned out a few more solid albums which stayed true to their sound (they have officially stopped recording and touring so Darius Rucker could pursue his solo career). But today, they mostly dedicate their time and tunes to extensive charity work ­– most notably, and of concern to us here at GCF, is their annual Monday After the Masters Celebrity Pro-Am Golf Tournament. The tournament benefits numerous local and national golf and education charities and their own charitable foundation. It’s one of the top charity golf events in the country and raises nearly $500,000 a year. And, in case you enjoy the obvious, it falls on the Monday following the Masters.

There’s no denying the guys love golf. They’re all decent players and low handicappers and they’re from South Carolina (second only to Florida as a golfing mecca) where the courses are plentiful, beautiful, and challenging and the weather allows play thirteen months out of the year. (Heck, we love South Carolina so much it’s even home to the clandestine world headquarters of Greatness Courts Failure!) Mark Bryan, Hootie’s guitarist, even has a show on the Golf Channel, Road Trip: Myrtle Beach, where he travels to courses in and around Myrtle Beach with Josh Kelley, another singer/songwriter, Charley Rymer and Perry Swenson. They play challenges, sample the local food, and close the show with a song or two. Good, honest entertainment – just like Hootie and the Blowfish. Give them another try. I know you own the album, everybody does. If it makes you feel better, you can just play it in the truck by yourself. But don’t think I won’t see you singing along and no, I won’t hold your hand.