Greatness Courts Failure

Another golf tournament, another win by some fellow named Woods. Seems he’s won a few tournaments before. He’s lucky golf’s big winners like Kenny Perry weren’t playing this weekend or he would have been just another also-ran.

Now, we are continually amazed at what Tiger can do on the golf course. We often sit up nights arguing on the uncompleted deck here at GCF World Headquarters over his talent(s), his peers, and his place in golf history. However, he is Tiger Woods and not just a product but the progenitor of modern golf – the new equipment, the exercise regimes, the massive sponsorship dollars that generates the astronomical prize money and, unfortunately, the limited playing schedules. It seems way too much capital and attention is funneled to events Tiger frequents at the expense of others. Yes, many pundits have written and complained on-end about his playing only 15 or so events a year. We here at GCF have no problem with that as all that big money golf is sometimes a turn off. Yeah, we said it – the big guns don’t always hold our interest.

Tiger drives the money, drives the ratings, but he also drives away some of our favorite golfers who don’t always get to play in the bigger events. And, this is everyone’s loss. That’s why we get excited about upcoming events like this week’s John Deere Classic. Players like the aforementioned Kenny Perry, who has dominated events such as this in the last year, Paul Goydos, a true character which the Tour is grossly short of these days, Woody Austin, aka Aquaman, and some lesser known journeymen we hope to introduce you to over the coming years as GCF gets on track. Real, solid, salt-of-the-course guys; pro golfers looking to survive the season and keep their card. Guys like Tommy “Two Gloves” Gainey, Kris Blanks, Kevin Stadler, Wil Collins, Troy Kelly and many others. These players are struggling to make ends meet, just as we are. Well, okay they’re playing a game to make ends meet but still, they’re trying to live their dream and they deserve our support. They’re a hell of a lot closer to their dream than we are.

The Celts and the Norse fought, loved, procreated, and eventually mutated into what we now know as the modern day Scots. Now, that’s a massive oversimplification but that’s one of our trademarks here at GCF. How do you start an argument without a good generalization?

Anyway, it’s the Scots, and thereby the Celts we have to thank for our obsession, golf. Our Scottish forefather sheepherders spent their endless free time using their crooks to knock dried sheep dung around pastures and into gopher holes for entertainment. This, like beating the crap out of each other (proto-football), through years of evolution became a modern sport.

So, where are we going with this ridiculously half-true history lesson? It’s our latest Nod to the Gods. This time we honor Sucellos, the Celtic god of agriculture, forests, and alcoholic drinks. Sucellos is often depicted with a long handled hammer (perhaps historians and mythologist mistook it for a hammer, we think it’s a 460cc driver) and a beer barrel. Our kind of god! In addition, cellos is a Latin derivative for “striker” and the prefix su means “well” or “good.” So Sucellos means good (ball) striker!

So, give a nod to Sucellos for a well struck iron shot and a well tended course, offer him a small prayer to move the trees back a tad when you shank it into next Tuesday, and give him a hale and hearty “Slainte Mhath!” as you raise your beer at the 19th hole.

Nobody likes an eight, whether it’s only a triple bogey or a tuck-your-tail-between-your-legs quintuple bogey. And after writing that 8 on your scorecard, your buddies don’t make it any easier by shouting ”Snowman!” every time you swing for the next three holes. So, let’s make that 8 a little more palatable next time, for you and your buddies. It’s time to drop the snowman moniker and start calling it a Jerry Reed. Now, instead of prickly and glum, you’re east-bound and down and headed to the next hole with a smile on your face and “hold onto your ass, Fred” comment as you gun the EZ-Go through the trees, daring the marshal to stop you.

Don’t get the reference? How old are you? Get a Netflix account and watch some all-time classics already.

Willie Nelson loves music and golf (yeah, we’re going out on a limb with this one). We’re not quite certain of the order, but those two are at the top. You’d think after at least four marriages you could count women as one of Willie’s loves. But then again, you could also consider the marriages an act of warfare. Or maybe revenge? Anyway, we’re pretty damn sure golf beats out women and Willie’s love of golf is what gets our admiration.

There are many tales out there of Willie Nelson and his golf obsession. Turk Pipkin, the Texas writer, actor, comedian, and clown (okay, I hate clowns too but he loves golf so don’t hold it against him too much) has a great Willie story on his site, Yesterday’s Nine – the Willie Way.

Also, a lot has been made about Willie’s golf course and his on-again off-again ownership. But who among us wouldn’t want to own their own damn course? And one of the benefits of owning your own course is setting your own rules. The Pedernales Cut-N-Putt, Willie’s course in Spicewood, Texas, features some of our favorite rules, and some to keep in mind for your own home course:

Pedernales Local Rules and Etiquette

1. When another player is shooting, no player should talk, whistle, hum, clink coins, or pass gas.
2. Don’t play until the group in front is out of the way.
3. Excessive displays of affection are discouraged. Violators must replace divots and will be penalized five strokes.
4. Replace divots, smooth footprints in bunkers, brush backtrail with branches, park car under brush, and have the office tell your spouse you’re in a conference.
5. Let faster groups play through.
6. On the putting green, don’t step on another’s line.
7. “Freebies” are not recommended for players with short putts.
8. No more than twelve in your foursome.
9. Gambling is forbidden, of course, unless you’re stuck or you need a legal deduction for charitable or educational expenses.
10. All carts are not allowed within 20 ft. of traps or aprons surrounding greens.
11. No bikinis, mini-skirts, skimpy see-through, or sexually exploitative attire allowed. Except on women.
12. Please leave course in the condition in which you would like for it to be found.

Or, as Willie described them in an interview:

It’s a lot easier if you own the golf course to make up your own rules. Like no more than 12 in a foursome. No breaking wind in the tee box. If you have a bad lie, you never have to tell a bad lie. I like that one. And par is whatever you want it to be — depending on what the bet is.
(Interview by J. Freedom du Lac | January 28, 2008 | Washington Post)

I’m sure you caught last year’s Open Championship (that’s the  British Open to you and me). Who can forget those tense, agony-of-boredom moments watching professional golfers stare at their ball, waiting for the wind to subside enough so they could putt without incurring a penalty stroke. I don’t know about you but I was on pins and needles. Yawn. Apparently, the pros could use a divinity lesson or two. The smart golfer knows to give a nod to Shu when the wind picks up and sends your ball thither and yon across the fairways and greens. Shu is the Egyptian god of air, one of the primordial gods, and is considered a calming influence. A brief prayer to Shu could have turned those gales into mere breezes and injected a little more actual golf into Saturday’s TV coverage.